Bedtime Story

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who was, for some unknown reason, terrified of trousers.

This wasn’t much of a problem until it came time for him to go to school and his mother showed him ~ a pair of trousers! Worse than that, she expected him to wear the dreadful things.

It was too much, he was utterly terrified and ran, screaming, from the house and all that he had known to hide under a bridge, refusing to answer anyone, or let anyone see him.

Was he was a troll?
Yes, I suppose he was, well, that’s what people SAID he was, after a while

Mostly, he lived on goats. Goats were a bit nervous crossing the bridge and would keep hesitating, and stopping then starting again until they sounded as if they were tap-dancing across it, which would wake the boy up and remind him how hungry he was, and how frightened, and how little, and he would shout out as LOUD as he could that it was HIS bridge and to leave him alone!

Being under the bridge made his voice echo and rumble so people thought there was a HUGHju troll under there and would run away.

Mostly, little goats were so frightened they would die of fright and fall off the bridge.

Mostly, ‘Gyptians would cook the goat, and leave a big plate of curried goat with peas and rice for the troll under the bridge. He liked that better than the pointless pennies people would throw in the water when they crossed over.

One day a trueserman came across the bridge in a little cart pulled by a goat. The boy was very hungry that day, goats had been avoiding the bridge for weeks and he was starving, which made him very bad-tempered.

He ROARED his hunger and the poor goat was so frightened it leapt out of its harness and fell off the bridge

I think the boy’s name was Donald]
No, it was Roary (R H U A R H I, he was Scottish)
I think his name was Donald
It was Rhuarhi.
Donald
Rhuarhi
Donald
Do you want to hear this story or not?
I want to hear the story
Be quiet and listen then
OK but his name IS Donald - - - Come and sit over here
What?
Sit here. Come.
Vlad, do you want to hear this story?
Yes, Grannie
Enough with the Grannie
OK, Grannie
How old are you?
twelve
No, you're not. You want to hear this story or not?
Yeth

So, the trueserman was stuck on the bridge with his little cart, and went to look under the bridge and saw the boy. He was called a trueserman because he always knew the truth and knew there wasn't a troll under the bridge, just a noisy boy.

“You got my goat” said the trueserman, “I want it back”

The boy got scared again and ran away, even though the trueserman was wearing a kilt, not trousers, or even trews. The trueserman chased him along the riverbank, among the rushes. In the reeds was a rush basket, or maybe the other way round. And in the basket was a baby.

The trueserman kicked the basket over and the baby fell out, but this is a bedtime story so nothing nasty can happen to a baby. Instead, the baby turned into a swarm of midgies and flew up the truesermans kilt. Midgies bite. That’s how the Highland fling was invented.

Is that midge ure’s?
~ shut up or I’ll sit somewhere else (translation from helpless laughter)

Suddenly a great warrior appeared, wearing a strange black helmet with a pattern of pinstripes and a bow.

Take that off.
Shan’t
Take it off now.
Giggle

The End
Of ‘that’ story
The story about the warrior Vlad and his strange headgear is for grown-ups.