Back to Brum tonight for my final three days of proper work this year; sadly, a call from my project director tonight means it's going to be WORK and not doss, but hey! I like to feel important.
Caught up on the emails that got through last week, my mailbox is permanently over it's limit despite offloading it on a weekly basis, and everything still seems to be boiling over on a daily basis.
It's weird, I slough work off almost as soon as I walk out of the office and am more than happy not to give it a thought once I've done so. HATE it when I end up dreaming about work, wasting energy I need to regenerate, but once I give it a little attention, I'm back there, wheels turning in my head, working out what I need to do, prioritising and planning how best to use my time, of which there is never enough.
One of the emails was from my review manager, apologising for not having had much (any!) time for me this year and coyly suggesting I call her to 'find out my rating' and to arrange a face2face early next year. It seems pretty pointless to me, I'm more than very grateful for the heavy-duty support some of my managers and colleagues have given me over the last two years but the review side of it seems like a vague chimera: I'm too cynical and lazy to want to be involved in the career climbing games, age counts and I've been around too long to want to break my heart trying for the mythical brass ring. Where I am seems fine to me. More money would be nice, recognition and job satisfaction I've had, a good steer to balance my working life with real life would be perfect.
I do feel as though my life is incredibly compartmentalised (is that a word?) When I'm working, it has my full attention, likewise when I'm partying, socialising or doing my best impression of a still life. I have a superb social life when I give it the energy I should, fabulous friends, an amazingly gorgeous lover, a family I know love me and are 'there' for me, but when work calls, I'm someone else. Maybe it's like some kind of psychic circuit board, where different patterns show according to the current going through it at the time.
*laughing* one of my ancient taglines : a diamond girl, multi-faceted, and what shines depends on which facet is turned to reflect which kind of light. If I don't know who I am, how should anyone else? How I am depends a lot on how people treat me, and how they treat me depends on how they see me - victim, rescuer, fun, funny, arrogant, aloof, 'nice' or just plain weird. I don't think anyone thinks I'm scary except me.
I had an attic attack this weekend, a single terrifying suicidal thought, and am proud of me for dealing with it. I did have help, my son is my favourite man walking this earth and he has to deal with far too much of my angst, I'm sure it's meant to be the other way round.
Being alive means it hurts sometimes and it can be hard to see that it's a good life most of the time. If only I hadn't built so many impenetratable defences, or was better able to gauge who it's safe to share with and who not when the defences are breached or bypassed.
Happy really, back in juggling mode, hiding in books (LK Hamilton writes boringly good soft porn if you like vampires and faerie stuff as I do)
well, not sure how to finish this, so I'll just stop writing now.
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