Today I found out that the man who was murdered in Aylesbury this week is a long-term friend of mine. One of the first people we met when we moved here 30 years ago, someone who was around to help me when some real bad stuff was going on in my life; someone who always had time to listen to me, despite his terrible reputation for violence (my "favourite psychopath"); someone who managed to stay on the best of terms with both me and Paul's dad when we split up; someone who was a joy to talk to because we could, and did, discuss some very deep philosophical ideas as well as some of the terrible things that had happened to him, and in his life; someone I used to spend a lot of time with; someone who offered to give me money when I was flat broke; someone with a very strong sense of morality and ethics although the rules were his own and not necessarily those of society;
I feel bereft. I've pretty much learned to cope with most of my close friends having died in their 30's and 40's but I didn't expect any of them to be murdered. He was visibly disintegrating with various health issues but still 'him', the last time I saw him; worse the last time my son saw him; but he didn't deserve to have it end like that.
Sunday, 24 August 2008
Saturday, 23 August 2008
embarkation
"beginnings are such dangerous times" The Lady Jessica [Dune - Frank Herbert]
Tarot 0 : The Fool : stepping blithely into the unknown
me: seeing, and pressing, a restart button: as I so often do
It has taken me some time to attempt writing this, "never quite sure of my welcome" is undoubtedly one of my more accurate self-analysis results.
I'm enjoying(?) an unexpected bank holiday weekend and doing none of the things I could/should/ought to do but contemplating going to my favourite fetish club in London tonight where I can catch up with various friends and acquaintance and try to feed the empty centre.
I am promising myself that I will leave this open, and already decided to disallow comments as it would be quite nice to say what I want, when I want without having any incestuous and rancourous fallout from it. Must remember to update the aboutme thing to say those who know me can call/mail me if they want to say anything about it
Spoke to the M earlier, who claims his phone ate my message last night, and am most relieved he has other plans for tomorrow, as I'd forgotten my favourite man promised to bring the short people over.
Problematic at the moment is that I can't go off out on the bike cos it's in the garden and I already know I don't have the knack of getting it out of there : last time I tried, I dropped the bloody thing and it was too heavy for me to get back up :( It was in the garage ~ ahhh : link to story needed here! ~ but now it's not
Dad's Jean left me a sorrowful message on my phone saying she wants to see me/speak to me "one more time", that she has bad news for me, and that Mike wouldn't be very pleased with me. No, he wouldn't. But when/just after he died, the bit of me that accepts manipulation through self-inflicted guilt was stretched so far it broke.
Still. I could maybe go over there tomorrow after the short people have gone. She's very sweet and a lovely person, but we both suffer horribly when we see each other because it brings back memories of a particularly terrible time in our lives
oops! I should point out that my father never used guilt to manipulate me: the reference is to a sea-change in how I saw myself and my responsibilites to other people, and theirs to me.
Tarot 0 : The Fool : stepping blithely into the unknown
me: seeing, and pressing, a restart button: as I so often do
It has taken me some time to attempt writing this, "never quite sure of my welcome" is undoubtedly one of my more accurate self-analysis results.
I'm enjoying(?) an unexpected bank holiday weekend and doing none of the things I could/should/ought to do but contemplating going to my favourite fetish club in London tonight where I can catch up with various friends and acquaintance and try to feed the empty centre.
I am promising myself that I will leave this open, and already decided to disallow comments as it would be quite nice to say what I want, when I want without having any incestuous and rancourous fallout from it. Must remember to update the aboutme thing to say those who know me can call/mail me if they want to say anything about it
Spoke to the M earlier, who claims his phone ate my message last night, and am most relieved he has other plans for tomorrow, as I'd forgotten my favourite man promised to bring the short people over.
Problematic at the moment is that I can't go off out on the bike cos it's in the garden and I already know I don't have the knack of getting it out of there : last time I tried, I dropped the bloody thing and it was too heavy for me to get back up :( It was in the garage ~ ahhh : link to story needed here! ~ but now it's not
Dad's Jean left me a sorrowful message on my phone saying she wants to see me/speak to me "one more time", that she has bad news for me, and that Mike wouldn't be very pleased with me. No, he wouldn't. But when/just after he died, the bit of me that accepts manipulation through self-inflicted guilt was stretched so far it broke.
Still. I could maybe go over there tomorrow after the short people have gone. She's very sweet and a lovely person, but we both suffer horribly when we see each other because it brings back memories of a particularly terrible time in our lives
oops! I should point out that my father never used guilt to manipulate me: the reference is to a sea-change in how I saw myself and my responsibilites to other people, and theirs to me.
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
welcome to the heretics club: my life in 3 paragraphs
~ sent in response to a lovely chap I did actually meet: for a mutual chemistry test failure ~
Oh my! 3 paragraphs.
What shall I say?
Oops! all gone.
Do you find that other people always seem to have/had more interesting lives and interests than yours? I doubt it after reading your career history: leaves me feeling gloomily lightweight. I did all the high-achieving stuff at school, went to uni and then discovered life which meant I failed all my second year exams and then ran off to get married instead of doing resits. Bad idea. Never did manage to get back and finish it as London wanted to take my parents AND husbands income into account which meant I couldn't get a grant. Also couldn't get a job as I was "too clever" and "would be bored". *sigh* I'll bore you with the intermediate detail sometime but eventually I did a TOPS course and got into IT as a programmer, finally reaching terminal boredom as a senior test manager. Most of it is money for old rope as I enjoy it, but I am useless at office politics and find that infinitely frustrating.
Reading is akin to breathing in my life: escapism and information gathering, and I mostly don't even realise I'm reading anything. Kafka! Oh yes. Books with a twist to make you think, books which investigate different ways of being, books which create different universes, books which explore and expand on faerie, mysticism, psychology. I do own a TV but am never quite sure how it works. It gets switched on when my mother visits and sometimes when my grandson is here, otherwise I only ever see programs if someone phones me to say "you need to watch this" or at other peoples houses. An ex defined the difference for me once, I watch programs, most people watch "TV". Music TV however, that's different. I love some of the imagery in music videos, and there are some tracks that I can't talk through cos I have to *listen* Noise like (Klemperer) Mahlers Resurrection, Pink Floyd, James Dean Bradfield, Bowie, Stevie Nicks, Annie Lennox. I have a 120GB drive full of music. An unbelievable amount of Tangerine Dream. What else for entertainment. Lots. I try things, get interested and sometimes obsessive about them, and eventually move on to something else. Generally without giving up the first thing. Makes for a cluttered but interesting life.
Occult stuff. That's really hard to answer. I don't remember a time I wasn't interested. I put my 3ft pile of astrology books into storage when I found the internet does it faster and more accurately. I have friends who are psychics, spiritualists and witches but, personally, tend to work from a base of open-minded scepticism. People seem to be either entirely too credulous about it, too mercenary or too unwilling to believe there can be anything in it at all. My monologue on astrology starts by obtaining agreement that the moon affects tides and defines influence on the basis that the human body is 70% water and it's ludicrous to suggest planets have no influence.I have monologues and theories on many subjects : always happy to learn more.
I notice we both 'talk' a lot. Lovely. Money's worth : PAH! I enjoy the things money can buy, and am fortunate enough to have an income sufficient to cover my excesses. Equally, I always aspired to be an eccentric and am reliably informed that I have achieved that ambition
Oh my! 3 paragraphs.
What shall I say?
Oops! all gone.
Do you find that other people always seem to have/had more interesting lives and interests than yours? I doubt it after reading your career history: leaves me feeling gloomily lightweight. I did all the high-achieving stuff at school, went to uni and then discovered life which meant I failed all my second year exams and then ran off to get married instead of doing resits. Bad idea. Never did manage to get back and finish it as London wanted to take my parents AND husbands income into account which meant I couldn't get a grant. Also couldn't get a job as I was "too clever" and "would be bored". *sigh* I'll bore you with the intermediate detail sometime but eventually I did a TOPS course and got into IT as a programmer, finally reaching terminal boredom as a senior test manager. Most of it is money for old rope as I enjoy it, but I am useless at office politics and find that infinitely frustrating.
Reading is akin to breathing in my life: escapism and information gathering, and I mostly don't even realise I'm reading anything. Kafka! Oh yes. Books with a twist to make you think, books which investigate different ways of being, books which create different universes, books which explore and expand on faerie, mysticism, psychology. I do own a TV but am never quite sure how it works. It gets switched on when my mother visits and sometimes when my grandson is here, otherwise I only ever see programs if someone phones me to say "you need to watch this" or at other peoples houses. An ex defined the difference for me once, I watch programs, most people watch "TV". Music TV however, that's different. I love some of the imagery in music videos, and there are some tracks that I can't talk through cos I have to *listen* Noise like (Klemperer) Mahlers Resurrection, Pink Floyd, James Dean Bradfield, Bowie, Stevie Nicks, Annie Lennox. I have a 120GB drive full of music. An unbelievable amount of Tangerine Dream. What else for entertainment. Lots. I try things, get interested and sometimes obsessive about them, and eventually move on to something else. Generally without giving up the first thing. Makes for a cluttered but interesting life.
Occult stuff. That's really hard to answer. I don't remember a time I wasn't interested. I put my 3ft pile of astrology books into storage when I found the internet does it faster and more accurately. I have friends who are psychics, spiritualists and witches but, personally, tend to work from a base of open-minded scepticism. People seem to be either entirely too credulous about it, too mercenary or too unwilling to believe there can be anything in it at all. My monologue on astrology starts by obtaining agreement that the moon affects tides and defines influence on the basis that the human body is 70% water and it's ludicrous to suggest planets have no influence.I have monologues and theories on many subjects : always happy to learn more.
I notice we both 'talk' a lot. Lovely. Money's worth : PAH! I enjoy the things money can buy, and am fortunate enough to have an income sufficient to cover my excesses. Equally, I always aspired to be an eccentric and am reliably informed that I have achieved that ambition
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